Behind the poker scene of Arson. (Part One)

Well, its been damn near a month since I have posted. This post isn't going to be about poker but I will atleast recap how March ended...

After shipping the 40k I shipped the $109 15k on stars for another 4k+ and ended the month with 14 final tables. Started the month shitty, min march was nice and end of march was shit again. Good news is that I finally have a set sunday major schedule... I run every major and big sunday mtt. Um, SCOOP went okay, I cashed in like 5/8 NLHE events or something. May will be 10x better with FTOPs imo.

Enough Poker

April has been a month to make me really think... even deeper than usual. Everything seems to be going down hill. My girlfriend and I broke up last month after a 2 year + relationship. That hit me pretty hard. Ive been running really bad this month too which always gets to me and makes me second guess myself.

All of this is really making me lose my confidence in life. I have always been happy to be me up until the last few months. I mean, I have been battling depression for about a year now but it was never this bad. I grew up happy with tons of friends and I was never alone. These days are a lot different. When I moved to Raleigh over a year ago I never went out to meet people so I feel alone here. That brings on the depression even more because I don't even have someone around to just socialize with.

I have talked a lot about how I have really wanted to seperate my poker life from real life but its really hard to do that when I technically don't really have a life anymore. The majority of the time I feel like poker is all that I have anymore. Dedication is great - poker ruling your entire life is setting yourself up for a lonely and painful life. This is something that I truely want to break a.s.a.p. If I don't then my life will just continue to worsen and I will just walk through life alone with my head hanging low wondering where the wasted years have gone.

I think the worst part about what I am currently going through is the loss of confidence in my personal life, not just at the poker tables. I am starting to feel worthless and basically like I am just not a good person. I have always tried so hard to be the best person that I can be but lately I have pushed everyone away and sheltered myself in my bedroom with my computer. - Really weird considering I want to do stuff outside of poker, yet I keep shutting people out. I have a lot of issues I have to work out if I want to move forwards out of this emotional state of mind that I am in and also if I want to progress with poker.


This is going to be a two parter post... goodluck at the tables everyone.

"I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that do not work."

"Gotta keep my head held high, theres always going to be another mountain, I'm always going to want to make it move, always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes im going to have to lose, isn't about how fast I get there, i'snt about the battle on the other side, its about the climb."